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September 23, 2004
Yesterday's unexpected crash... yesterday had knocked me out. waking up was not bad, I knew there was an important presentation ahead of me, the day would be packed with other good activities as well. waking up was not bad at all, but then once i actually stood on my feet, the world began to move in very uncomfortable ways, it felt as if I were on board of a plane spiralling out of the sky, I was not even attached to my seat, my body could not quite handle the sensation. Whatever I had eaten in the days before, apparently was only rented. I imagined myself throwing up onto a boardroom table, during the presentation. Bad thought. I had to stay home. (Actually, I would have not even made it to the train.) I called my doctor who wrote me a prescription for powerful looking purple capsules (Their name a mix of titan and pagan?). He called the pharmacy across the street, and they delivered in about 20 minutes. This is New York after all. The pills were supposed to fight my nausea (and that other set of violent body reactions that often follows nausea...) But the side effects include (and I am writing this from the sheet that came with the pills) such exciting experiences as: unusual bleeding, confusion, tremors, vision changes, yellowing of eyes and skin, involuntary movement of eyes/face/limbs, spasms (on one website there was even an exact description of the spasms as the expanding type, not the contracting, for those who want to know) and... well... depression, headache, dizziness, and drowsiness... That all seemed quite lovely if I wanted to put myself into an uncomfortable place... but I was already there. And so I just looked at the pills... imagined them as my last resort... And so I slept for about 21 hours of the last 24. I would only wake up to take other multicolored pills against the fever, the pounding headache. Water was also important. Dry toast. There are still remnants of a headache drumbeat in my skull. And my stomach still feels as if it were inhabited by some slimy restless fish, trying to find a comfortable spot to rest. I hope I will be okay. I hope I will make it through the day. What should I eat today?